every parent has been there. the moment when their oldest child first challenges the way they were raised. when the product of years of love, guidance, support and education — not to mention room and board — suddenly blames you for screwing up their entire adolescent existence.
it isn’t that you actively screwed it up either (although in some instances, you very well may have). it isn’t even that you failed to not screw it up when you had the chance (although in some instances, you probably did). when it all comes down to it, the inescapable jaws of the modern parent trap clamp down on your ankle at the exact same same moment you realize just how much “the times” have changed.
in short, the world your child lives in is not the world of your own distant childhood, and the things your parents did that you swore you would never do aren’t really applicable any more. in fact, just about the entire reality of your own social development has virtually no relevance in today’s increasingly complicated world. that’s not that your world or the world of your parents was any less complex; it was just completely different in a way that isn’t exactly intuitive for the post-war baby boomer crowd.
when it comes right down to it, the reason many parents and children are failing to “connect” has more to do with social progress than it does with parental technique. for instance, how many children do you know of whose parents used “the belt” as a tool of behavioural persuasion and have since sworn off the use of any such punishment on their own kids? (it should be noted that i am not advocating the return of excessive corporal force to elicit proper behaviour in rebellious youth). the point is, youth will always be youth, and rather than swear away the worst parts of their own traumatic upbringing, today’s parents should start adapting their parental influence to better suit “the times”.
doing for your own kids what your parents never did for you can become, at its root, an exercise in futility. wishing for your children what you never had yourself actually fails them in one extremely important way: it doesn’t consider what’s best for them. as rational, responsible adults, we should be able to make that distinction right away, and cater our influence to the particular sociological realities of modern adolescence, and not the realities of our distant and sometimes painful past.
grounding your child without the use of the internet just pushes them back toward television. grounding them from television just pushes them back toward the phone. and grounding them for the phone leaves you with little other recourse than the threat of military school, which might actually represent the worst possible outcome for the development of your problematic child. to be sure, the punishment should always fit the crime, but rehabilitation is the only real way to foster genuine behavioural change.
in short, what parents should be concentrating on is simply being around. and by “around”, i don’t simply mean being “at home” (although many two-income households could probably start with that advice). by “around” i mean be real-life role-model for your child. be the person they look up to when they’re struggling to forge an identity. act in a way that, were your child to stand next to you every minute of every day, you’d be proud of the person they’ll eventually become. teach them by loving them unconditionally, but never be afraid to tell them when they’re wrong. teach them the awesome power of respect, both for their elders, and for the world at large. then teach them patience, and the amazing power of determination.
but under no circumstances should you ever teach them what you yourself wanted to be taught. never should their direction be tied to the faded dreams and aspirations of your own troubled youth. theirs is a life that starts today. theirs is a reality of computers. theirs is a reality of travel. theirs is a reality of comfortable living, but not at the expense of a comfortable life. theirs is a future inspired by yours, but never a future that follows.
theirs is a reality with virtually limitless possibilities, and your only real job in the grand symphony that is their life is to make sure they’re always loved, always encouraged, and always have a place to call home. do all that, and you’ll find yourself one step closer to leaving a legacy within the family that your grandchildrens’ grandchildren will one day remember…